Political Policy Idea #6

Newspapers to exchange target markets, but maintain style, for one day a year.
 

Political Policy Idea #5

Sometimes, things other than the mind should be allowed to ‘boggle’.

Political Policy Idea #4

45 minute-long comedy programmes should actually make you laugh at least once. I’m looking at you, Michael McIntiresome’s Comedy Roadshow.

Political Policy Idea #3

Somehow the iPhone (pbuh) should be involved more in political decision-making.
 

Political Policy Idea #2

All “To Let” signs outside houses should be immediately adjusted as follows:
  

Political Policy Idea #1

Jeering in the House of Commons to be replaced by chants of “WHO THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU?”

BBC Have Your Say: Who should pay to treat smoking-related disease?

What I would like to know is if it expensive to care for smokers who as a rule die quite young how expensive is it to care for all the non smokers who go on to live long enough to get problems associated with old age?

Or how about the people who are unable to put down their fork and end up on Dialysis at a cost of thousands of pounds a year?

John knight, Manchester

 
I know, those selfish bastards refusing to kill themselves before they become a burden. Shocking.

Most recommended comment, by the way. Shocking.

Also, my next six days: Revise, Exam, Exam, Revise, Exam, Die.

Shocking.

Chinese exam next week, this counts as revision

Original

 
I should really write something on this blog before its Official Internet Category™ becomes ‘weak Photoshopping cesspit’. I may do after exams some time.

More conspiracy bollocks, this week featuring our guest publication…

The Queen’s a lizard and there are tiny microphones in our hair

Topical graph

Better than FOX I suppose.

You think you’re having a bad week

(AP)  A 93-year-old Japanese man has become the first person certified as a survivor of both U.S. atomic bombings at the end of World War II, officials said Tuesday.

Tsutomu Yamaguchi had already been a certified "hibakusha," or radiation survivor, of the Aug. 9, 1945, atomic bombing in Nagasaki, but has now been confirmed as surviving the attack on Hiroshima three days earlier as well, city officials said.

Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip on Aug. 6, 1945, when a U.S. B-29 dropped an atomic bomb on the city. He suffered serious burns to his upper body and spent the night in the city. He then returned to his hometown of Nagasaki just in time for the second attack, city officials said.

Wow. Is that insanely lucky, or insanely unlucky?

He’s not the messiah, he’s a very foreign boy

This might even make me buy a £2 bag of crisps

Twittering your life away

It would seem I am one of the increasingly few who ‘does not get’ Twitter. So much so that it actively pisses me off.

In case you’re somehow not aware of the ongoing Twitterlution, as it’s probably already being called, one uses Twitter as a sort of sterile receptacle in which to deposit meaningless opinions, descriptions of ones breakfast and hyperlinks to social media articles which extol the virtues of Twittering itself. Updates, or tweets as they’re affectionately known, are limited to 140 characters or fewer, so unless you’re very clever it’s almost impossible to say anything more worthwhile than “Doing a poo.” Why one would use it is very unclear, and the Why? page doesn’t really help (I’d suggest “How about a phone call” for each of the three reasons it gives). It’s all very Web 2.0, darling. Whatever that means. It’s blogging, which I’m very much against anyway, but without the necessary capacity to get to the point.

Once you’ve signed up for Twitter and begun writing your own stream of self-indulgence, fans of yours can spend their lives staring at live updates of your most trivial thoughts and anecdotes, and you likewise can show your interest in the tedium of their existences by clicking a button creepily marked “Follow”. It’s basically a terse Facebook without pictures, applications, videos, profiles, groups, networks, events, poking or privacy. But at least it replaces the assumption of friendship with more of a realistic stalker-ish curiosity.

Another way of thinking of Twitter is that it is a phone stuck in an eternal conference call, and you can shout into it all you want but nobody you care about will ever acknowledge you, and the only memorable interaction you’ll get from it is Stephen Fry perpetually telling you what sort of network signal his mobile phone has at any given moment.

Indeed, there are hundreds of twitterlebrities (again, probable Vocab 2.0), and if you want to know what him off of Big Brother 2004 thinks of quantitative easing or where the 2004 Olympic Pole Vault bronze medallist is going to be tonight then it’s probably an invaluable resource. All you have to do is ‘follow’ them. Twitter really is the acceptable face of celebrity-stalking.

Essentially, Twitter is for people with identity issues, and Stephen Fry. And interestingly, ‘Following’ Stephen Fry appears to be the first rule of Twitter, as at the last count there were about eight people who don’t, and that’s simply due to an overdeveloped non-conformity gland. And whilst this isn’t a bad first rule to have, it is unfortunate that it’s not the third rule, behind 1. Do not talk about Twitter and 2. DO NOT talk about Twitter.

Because this is my main problem with the twitterverse. I’m genuinely pleased that the diversity of humanity is such that there are people who can take joy from, and perhaps even base their lives around, something which for me seems almost pointless narcissism. I’m happy that people are willing to read about each other’s complex stories, problems, thoughts and hopes as long as they’re summarised in a barking missive slightly shorter than a text message. I really am. But I don’t want to be told about it all the fucking time. In this way it’s rather like organised religion.

Twitter is not Serious Business. It is simply a way of telling the internet things it doesn’t care about. And yet it seems to be seeping imperceptibly into the portion of life that is slightly more important than what you had for breakfast. US Congressmen were twittering during Obama’s not-quite-a State of the Union address. Basketball players have been twittering during half-time. There is an official website that aggregates the tweets of our politicians, and hundreds of them are doing it in order to appear ‘in touch’, rather revealing their crippling insecurity. There is a danger this could start being considered electorate interaction. This morning, whilst reading an article longer than 140 characters about business practice, I came across a sentence that ended “…fit into my overall tweeting strategy” and I threw up, right there.

The only legitimate reason I can see for Twitter are a) for real-time updates from those caught up in breaking news stories, such as happened during the Mumbai attacks last November, and b) as a promotional tool for more significant content – see the Twitter account of The Economist, for example. But there are far better ways to follow news.

Perhaps I’m simply envious that I have not caught the bug – and it really does seem like an illness – but I’m happy for Twitter to remain a shaded novelty for those without a strong sense of identity, a fad that will soon be replaced with something else, no doubt shortly after being purchased by News Corporation. What I don’t like is that it’s becoming increasingly mainstream and almost thinks it’s important. Life is bigger than 140 characters. And you should shut up about Twitter.

“Very Progressive”

I know what you want, you want a quiz that tells you where on the political spectrum you lie, because you can’t be bothered to work it out yourself. Maybe even one that is heavily American-centric. Well, here you are then. 

A score of 0 is ultra conservative, perhaps even to Rush Limbaugh levels, 209.5 is apparently (at the moment) the average for Americans, and 400 is ultra-progressive liberal hippie types, more than likely ‘Hollywood elites’.

Iain Dale, a Thatcherite blogger, scored 187. My score was 256, making me more liberal than any group they surveyed, even Obama voters. Where do you lie, audience?

Economists Fear End of Recession

[Warwick Sanctuary, March 2009]

Professional Economists across the world are terrified by the possibility that the current economic turmoil could one day end, a survey has found.

Of the 2,000 men, women and children working in the field of economics asked, 72% said a return to global prosperity would “seriously harm their profile” and 54% believed demand for television appearances would “collapse”. Almost a third of economists admitted they may have to find a second job.

“I was at a party with some economic journalists last week,” explained Jeremy Harcourt, senior economist at HM Treasury, “and someone mentioned that one day, stuff might be okay again. The world might not need us to explain what’s happening three times a day. It’s a sobering thought. Some people broke down and cried, right there.”

If we are eventually dragged out of the dark depths of fiscal calamity, economists across the world will have to go back to doing whatever it was they did before mass media needed them. This prospect deeply unnerves many of the so-called “Recession Celebrities” who have grown accustomed to the British population actually caring what they do, think, say and write.

Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England, is no exception. “Suddenly it’s not only the Financial Times and a work experience boy from the BBC at my press conferences,” he told us, an enormous grin across his remarkably angular head, “There are normal people out there with some idea of who I am and what I do. If the crisis is resolved and long-term growth is reinstated, I’ll have to pathetically appear on Celebrity Big Brother in a futile attempt to maintain my fame before reluctantly sliding back into financial obscurity, only to emerge into the limelight again every time I attempt to change my own salary,” he stammered as his face wobbled uncontrollably.

Fears than the recession will end have also recently been vocalised by no-strings supermarket chain LIDL. The firm has seen soaring sales since the downturn began, and fears if shoppers are able to get consistent employment and paycheques that don’t bounce, they may move away from inferior crates of mass-produced slurry in favour of food.

“If this doesn’t become the second Great Depression we may never seen a return on our recent expansion investment, which has seen at least one store built on a retail park inconveniently on the outskirts of almost every British town and city,” said Frank Frugal, President of LIDL Enterprises, “Ideally we want increasing economic plight right up to the widespread rioting and looting threshold, and we want to be there for a good decade or so.”

A series of leaked emails was emerging as Sanctuary went to press which suggests LIDL may have attempted to bribe several government economists to fail at their jobs, thus prolonging the recession. Correspondence has so far elicited a single succinct response from ‘a.darling@hmtreasury.gov.uk’; “Already on it.”

Pensions Cancelled, Elderly Die

[Warwick Sanctuary, March 2009]

The financial crisis reared its ubiquitous head again yesterday, as the government admitted a leaked report calling for the suspension of all state pensions was not just something they were considering, but something they actually enacted a while back without telling anyone.

In a hastily called press-conference outside 10 Downing Street, Gordon Brown, unmoved by the looks of horror on the faces of the assembled journalists, explained that not only would all future direct payments into the bank accounts of the nation’s elderly be cancelled until further notice, but the government would also be reclaiming all pension payments backdated to 2005.

“In a time of economic crisis, when the government desperately needs money, reallocating funds away from the weak and vulnerable to help fund the bailouts of faceless financial corporations is the right move,” the Prime Minister adamantly shouted as several nearby aides approaching retirement age fainted, “The elderly are an unproductive economic black-hole, and they’ve had a free ride for too long!”

Brown then loudly quacked before shuffling away flapping his arms slightly. Commented one seasoned hack, “He’s bloody lost it.”

The sudden disownment of Britain’s 11 million pensioners is expected to save the taxpayer, or more accurately the government, over £50 billion a year, enough to recapitalise RBS several times with some left over for a hefty ministerial pay rise. Sources close to the government also claim this will lead to a rising availability of Werther’s Originals, Zimmer frames and nursing home accommodation, though it has not yet been decided what to do once the bodies start piling up outside post offices across the country.

UK unemployment was 13 million this morning, up 11 million from yesterday, but the government refused to take responsibility for this, instead blaming a combination of a torrid global economy, an irresponsible financial industry and unfavourable winds. The jobless rate is expected to fall rapidly in the next few weeks however, as old aged citizens everywhere run out of heating oil.

In a related move, the NHS was yesterday redefined as “a system of healthcare based on clinical need, free at the point of delivery, meeting the needs of everyone as long as they’re under the age of 65”.

Solution to Global Recession Found

[Warwick Sanctuary, March 2009]

In a world exclusive, Warwick Sanctuary has uncovered the solution to the financial crisis, sitting right there in our email inbox. A source known only as “Yor Grate Frend Dr Kwame” has revealed to us that there are thousands of desperate and utterly ingenuous African princes, businessmen, bankers and heirs who would love to inject millions of US dollars into your bank account, and subsequently into the British economy, in exchange for a handful of your crucial private details. An injection of liquidity on this scale would be sure to bring recent economic peril to an end.

These new-age St Nicks, many of whom lack basic language skills, have lately ramped up efforts to provide recapitalisation of the wasting British economy by offering lump sum cash payments to the stinking masses via email. The benefactors, who hail primarily from the West African nation of Nigeria, offer untold riches in exchange for simply your address, telephone number, latest bank statement, PIN, mother’s maiden name, best chequebook signature and a small ‘administrative fee’, a small cost that you should already be familiar with if you’ve ever dealt with an estate agent.

The transactions will apparently be made entirely in US dollars, thoughtful given the recent debauchery of the pound, and your conscience will also be eased with news you’ve somehow helped a little girl somewhere buy a goat or get cured from leprosy or cancer or something like that. The correspondence could have been clearer on this point. Regardless, our source promises that, in exchange for somehow helping, each respondent will receive their “just  desserts”. Sounds quite tasty.

We managed to track down and interview one donor, Princess Caviar from Burkina Faso, who found time to mash her keyboard at us around her royal duties.

“MY HONOREDABLE FIEND, IT HAPPYS ME YOU REPLY,” she explained after we gave her an ex-girlfriend’s phone number so she’d stop her broken record bullshit, “IT IS MY PLEASURE U DO THIS TRASACTION. I AM PRINCESS CAVIAR, HAVE PALLAS IN OUAGOUDOUGOU BURKINA FASO AND CEO OF SOCIÉTÉ RICHES EXTRAORDINAIRE. MY FATHER IS KING GAWALAROG XIV” - which is presumably a typo of ‘Burkina Faso is not a monarchy’ – “AND I WIL GIVE U CHECK 4 ONE MILLON ($1,00,000,0,0) US DOLARS AND INVEST HEAVILY IN ONE OF YOUR AILING BANKING CORPORATIONS, BUT NOT RBS, AFTER YOU SEND ME YOUR RIGHT FOREFINGER” she continued, “ENSURING FINGERPRINT IS INTACT.”

Within minutes of receiving Princess Caviar’s correspondence we were faced with similar offers from a crippled elderly man under house arrest, a destitute widow who has lost her mobile phone charger and a particularly magnanimous three month old child who offered us not just unimaginable sums of money, but also cheap Viagra and a moving story of his daring escape from the paramilitary forces who “assassissassinated” his parents. He just needs us to leave a £10,000 deposit in mixed non-sequential banknotes in a briefcase on Platform 3 of Waterloo station next Wednesday, retreat to a safe distance and await further instructions. We’ve maxed out six credit cards to get the deposit together, but fuck it; we’re going to be rich. And permanently erect.

The sheer number of begging offers available in every inbox in the country shows the apparent surplus in the money-for-nothing market, which is fortunate given how badly the UK needs a bit of anonymous philanthropy. But this is not the only way the internet is helping to curb the downturn.

In addition to the many fabulously generous individual benefactors, it would appear many Lotteries have increased both their draw frequency and payouts recently in an attempt to recapitalise the world, often extending generous prizes via email to those who did not even enter. Today alone we appear to won the UK Lotto, the Texas State Lottery and the Irish Lottery twice, despite not purchasing a ticket in any of these draws. Just lucky I guess. Interestingly we discovered our near-miraculous lottery fortune by digging around in our Junk Mail folder, which also contained a pretty sweet deal on weight-loss drugs and some very important messages from our bank, who needed us to confirm some details. As did some other banks we have nothing to do with. Honestly, that spam filter needs looking at.

It remains to be seen whether the sudden onslaught of millions of pounds into the bank accounts of almost every Briton with internet access will instantly repair the staggering British economy, lead to uncontrollable hyperinflation or perhaps not come to fruition at all. What is certain is these offers are completely legitimate and should be accepted by everyone post haste. Also your Hotmail account is going to be closed down if you don’t email your password to sexysk8agurl101@hotmail.com immediately.

Credit crunch solved.