Pensions Cancelled, Elderly Die

[Warwick Sanctuary, March 2009]

The financial crisis reared its ubiquitous head again yesterday, as the government admitted a leaked report calling for the suspension of all state pensions was not just something they were considering, but something they actually enacted a while back without telling anyone.

In a hastily called press-conference outside 10 Downing Street, Gordon Brown, unmoved by the looks of horror on the faces of the assembled journalists, explained that not only would all future direct payments into the bank accounts of the nation’s elderly be cancelled until further notice, but the government would also be reclaiming all pension payments backdated to 2005.

“In a time of economic crisis, when the government desperately needs money, reallocating funds away from the weak and vulnerable to help fund the bailouts of faceless financial corporations is the right move,” the Prime Minister adamantly shouted as several nearby aides approaching retirement age fainted, “The elderly are an unproductive economic black-hole, and they’ve had a free ride for too long!”

Brown then loudly quacked before shuffling away flapping his arms slightly. Commented one seasoned hack, “He’s bloody lost it.”

The sudden disownment of Britain’s 11 million pensioners is expected to save the taxpayer, or more accurately the government, over £50 billion a year, enough to recapitalise RBS several times with some left over for a hefty ministerial pay rise. Sources close to the government also claim this will lead to a rising availability of Werther’s Originals, Zimmer frames and nursing home accommodation, though it has not yet been decided what to do once the bodies start piling up outside post offices across the country.

UK unemployment was 13 million this morning, up 11 million from yesterday, but the government refused to take responsibility for this, instead blaming a combination of a torrid global economy, an irresponsible financial industry and unfavourable winds. The jobless rate is expected to fall rapidly in the next few weeks however, as old aged citizens everywhere run out of heating oil.

In a related move, the NHS was yesterday redefined as “a system of healthcare based on clinical need, free at the point of delivery, meeting the needs of everyone as long as they’re under the age of 65”.